Valet Parking

Valet parking is quite possibly the gayest idea in the history of humanity. What kind of lazy asshole do you have to be to want some random fuckhead you don’t even know to park your car for you. Honestly.

I spent this past New Year’s in Niagara Falls with the little lady and about 12 other people and we all stayed at the Hilton Fallsview Hotel. The Hilton happens to be the tallest building in Ontario outside of Toronto, and the 20th tallest building in Canada at 581 feet tall. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to Niagara Falls and I was a little surprised by the size of the building considering it wasn’t there the last time I’d been to Niagara Falls. Anyways, if you used your awesome powers of deduction you have surely come to the conclusion that the Hilton had valet parking.

The first thing that pisses me off about valet parking is the fact that some random asshole is driving my car. I know I already mentioned it but that’s how fucking much that really irritates me. I’ve had my car for about 15 months now and I was literally the only one who has even driven my car until this past weekend. Who the fuck knows what these jerkoffs are doing to my car when I’m not around? It’s bullshit. Valet parking should be optional, not fucking mandatory.

They give you a ticket and off they go with your car. If you want to get your car back you go down with your ticket and they retrieve your car. Sounds pretty convenient doesn’t it. Well, it’s not convenient at all actually. How long would it take me to walk to my car? One, maybe two minutes at most. Well, good ol’ valet parking took over 10 minutes both times I had to retrieve my car. The second time took around 20 minutes. Oh ya, thanks for the great service I didn’t even want in the f’ing first place.

When I start my car in the morning I let it warm up for a couple of minutes until the revs drop to a normal idle level and generally warm up a little because I want to get as much life out my baby as possible. I know there’s no way these valet assholes are letting cars warm up when they are being rushed around due to the chaotic zoo that is the valet parking area at the Hilton. The valet parking spot also just happens to be a perfect wind tunnel that maximized the nut freezing wind chill factor on anyone who dared walk through it.

Now as if valet parking wasn’t enough of an annoyance the second fuckface who drove my car also made sure to adjust my seat as close to the steering wheel as possible. I only assume this was because he needs to be in just the right position for the 38 seconds that he drives my fucking car.

In short, valet parking is bullshit, hopefully Penn & Teller will do an episode on it! Next time, I’ll just find some public parking, I bet it would have been cheaper too.